There but for the Grace…..

I mentioned recently that I’ve been watching My So-called Life on DVD. One episode in particular prompted a memory. In it Angela Chase’s mother Patty (played by the talented Bess Armstrong) thought she had become pregnant for the third time and confided this to her husband Graham (played by the equally talented Tom Irwin). A few days later it transpired that she was mistaken and, with more than a little relief, told her husband to stop worrying about it. He then managed clearly to convey an array of emotions including relief, disappointment and a sense of loss.

Some years ago a similar situation happened to me. My then girlfriend Carol uttered those haunting words designed to drive terror into every man alive: I’m late.

After the initial shock we both put a brave face on things and attempted as much as possible to go about our normal daily routines. Three or four days later she was delighted to tell me that the panic was over and that she’d had her period. Like Graham in My So-called Life I went through a whole range of emotions. Initially I was indeed very relieved. We were at a fairly early stage in our relationship and I don’t think that either of us was looking to have children just then – indeed Carol told me from the very start that she didn’t want children (which I thought rather strange at the time). But what surprised me was that after the relief a wave of real disappointment washed over me and for a good few weeks afterwards I felt sorry that she wasn’t actually carrying my child.

Of course if she had been pregnant our lives would have been very different than they actually turned out. I wonder sometimes what being a parent would have been like. Would I have been a good father to what by now would have been an 8 year old child? It’s actually quite weird to think about it. Imagine Cyberkitten with a kitten of his own? Too weird…. Far too weird. But there but for the grace of… Fate… I almost went.