Thinking About: Regrets

It is difficult to live any kind of life without accumulating regrets along the way – for things you have done or not done, said or not said. Regret is part of the human condition and I am not alone in having my fair share. I have done and said stupid things, thoughtless things and questionable things but I do my very best not to dwell on them. I know what I have done, or not, or said, or not but the past is unchangeable and, to be honest, there are few things I would change – even my mistakes. This is because my past has made me what I am and I like that person – warts and all. Mistakes are something to be learnt from not something to torture yourself with. Such torture, as in general, serves little purpose and only keeps old wounds fresh enough to become dangerously infected. I am not proposing, however, that we simply toss-off our mistakes as beneath contemplation for without giving them appropriate (and I emphasise this word) thought. We should endeavour to understand what we have done, or not, and honestly draw conclusions from such analysis. At the very least we can decide not to do something we regret ever again. If we have ever struck out at a loved one in a moment of anger we can resolve never to do so again – no matter what. In such a way we mould our character into something better because of actions we have regretted. We do not dwell on things past but use that experience to shape a future with fewer regrets. In that way, despite the fact that actions or words can never be taken back once done or said, we can become better people rather than creatures labouring under a self-imposed burden we can never be rid of which does no one a favour least of all ourselves.

We are all fallible beings. In moments of weakness or passion we sleep with friend’s girlfriends or take money that does not belong to us. Normally, when the weakness passes or the passion is spent we regret our actions. Often nothing can be done to rectify things and we must face the consequences of our humanity. When no amends can be made or no amends is enough we can still learn from the fall-out and resolve to be better people in the future. We need to learn that although much about the world is beyond our control or even beyond our influence there is something that we do have a great deal of control over – ourselves and the actions or words that make up our daily behaviour. We must recognise that we have a great gift that, at least apparently, no other creature on this planet has – we can choose how we live our lives. We have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and from the mistakes of others. We can resolve to be better people in a malleable future without being slaves to or being burdened by an unchangeable past. What’s done is done and what is said is said. There is no amount of regret in the universe that can change a single thing in the past. Regrets when we have them should be fleeting and not a crushing lifelong millstone that destroys any chance of resolution or happiness. A lifetime on the rack achieves precious little except the production of a painfully distorted human. This is, I believe, completely unnecessary. Many unforgivable acts are anything but. Often the people who we have transgressed against forgive us long before we forgive ourselves. We all need to be more forgiving of our humanity and of our mistakes and we should all recognise that many things that impact on our lives are simply not within our power to control or even effect. What is in our control is our reaction to circumstance and our behaviour accordingly. As we become more aware of why we do what we do, we gain more control over our actions and our words. As this understanding increases so the reason for regret diminishes and we become better people.