Thinking About: Solitude
As I have spent most of my adult life alone it is fortunate indeed that I enjoy my own company. I do more, however, than merely tolerate or even cope with solitude – I need it, actually I crave it. As I get older I find that I want to be on my own more and more. Sometimes I find this drifting away from sociability a little disturbing. I see in my minds eye images of my future self spending longer and longer behind locked doors and closed curtains shunning human company and only venturing out when I need food. I honestly don’t think I’ll get that bad but the thought is there.
Although from time to time I want the pleasure of another person in my life and honestly miss the intimacy of having a lover, I am also horrified at the thought of being with anyone 24/7. I would like to wake up next to someone in the morning – just not every morning. I think this is partially why at least some of my relationships have failed in the past. I just didn’t want to be with my significant other all of the time. My last long term relationship was, at least in that aspect, ideal from my point. Although we spent a considerable amount of our time in bed together we rarely shared the same bed for more than a few nights in a row and although we did talk briefly about moving into the same house I think that we both felt that separate houses had many advantages. Frankly the idea of sharing a house with someone, of having little or no opportunity to have more than a few minutes on my own in any one day, closely approximates my vision of Hell. As Sartre rightly said – in a slightly different context – Hell is other people. If it wasn’t for my time alone, even during evenings and weekends, I’m confident that I’d go completely mad.
I have actually never been the most sociable of people. I have seen friends walk into a room full of strangers and walk out with lifetime friends. I have never made friends that easily and it still astounds me that I make many at all – but I do. It may seem on the face of it that I might be avoiding people because I have poor social skills. This is not the case. I freely admit that I am not the most empathic kid on the block but I have spent a great deal of time and effort studying my fellow humans in order to be more social acceptable. To an extent this has worked but I still feel a species of stage-fright whenever I meet someone new and I am rarely relaxed with people even in the company of those I have known for years. I am almost constantly self-conscious in my interactions with others. Of course I am assuming that for most people interacting with others comes easily. From the outside that’s certainly how it appears. I have no idea how much effort other people are putting in to their day-to-day relationships. Maybe, like me, they are regularly ‘winging it’ and are not really sure from moment to moment what they’re actually doing and hoping that no one else will notice the effort involved. Maybe everyone feels like this?
However, I’m not booking myself into a retreat just yet (though the thought does interest me) and I’m unlikely to become a hermit any time some – at least not any more than I am already. I shall continue to leave my safe heaven and venture out into the uncertain world of human interaction. I may not always like it, I may not always be good at it but I shall continue making the effort and will try to keep my hermitic tendencies in check whilst recognising them as an important part of who I am.
6 comments:
I too love solitude. Until I met Robyn, my fiance, I had envisioned myself living out my life alone. The great thing about Robyn is that she, like myself, is easily self entertained. We'll spend hour upon hour in the same house, she reading while I play games, and neither of us ever feels smothered.
Most interesting. I remember in high school and afterward feeling an almost panic at having to spend my free time alone--I sought out the company of others almost frantically. But I've always been rather selective in my friends and have a dislike of parties and mass gatherings. In college and afterward I became more and more introverted--a marked contrast to my former self--and now I find I spend most of my time alone.
I don't feel any cloud over my head at this, but a part of me wonders if it's the beginning of something pathological. Some of it is the cast of my coworkers, among whom I spend so much of my time: I just can't see eye-to-eye with almost their entire worldview. And so I've learned to keep myself company. (I've often felt my life would be VERY different if I worked, say, for an ad agency or at a movie studio.)
As it is, I lean on my wife as the link that keeps my odd life tethered to the 'normal' column. Without her I wonder what changes would happen / need to happen.
I am very much like you, though you wouldn't know it to look at my social calendar. All "our" friends, or at least 99% of them are M's friends. I am not very social, never have been, and doubt there will be any great change in that situation at this advanced age. M makes me get out in the world, sometimes too much, and I have to say, "enough!" I need my quiet time, down time, time at home puttering about and I never get enough solitude. My philosophy is to take what life is giving me now, enjoy it, learn from it, and grab the solitude when I can. I am always intrigued that M and I were attracted to one another when our personalities where socializing is concerned, are at extreme opposite ends of the spectrum.
I like to be out and about with people, but at the same time I do enjoy being able to retreat. I don't know if that need for a sanctuary of sorts owes to innate introversion or to something else. Often the things people are concerned about bore me (gossip, TV shows...) or make me uncomfortable....so it's easier to retreat than to deal with it.
It's got a bit like that with me and the gaming. I had a spell where I was hooked on the online interaction (possibly due to kicking it off after my last long term relationship finished)
Now though, I'd rather not have the multiplayer thing, if I can game on my own that's just fine by me.
It's a curious balance - on the one hand, it's good to be around people to see how they react. On the other, it's great to have Total choice as to whether you listen to music, game, watch telly or do all of the above.
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