Awww, they just covered this topic on the show "Saving Hope" tonight. I think "friend" is better than nothing, but that's not what all the guys said that I just wanted to be friends with, so what do I know?
v v said: I think "friend" is better than nothing, but that's not what all the guys said that I just wanted to be friends with, so what do I know?
When a girl says "Can we just be friends?" it's really not what the guy hears. If it's at an early stage in any relationship it often leaves the guy in a limbo of hope and frustrated anticipation - often without the girl having any idea of the level of angst she's causing. If it's after the relationship has gone sexual it's basically saying "you're dumped mate and don't let the door hit you on the way out".
Mine were long-term friendships that I think the guys just kept hoping they'd wear me down, but I really wanted to keep them in my life as friends, because the boyfriends tended to come and go too quickly. These particular guys were quality people that I admired, wanted to learn from, and whose company I enjoyed. I really believed sex would ruin it and then I'd lose my best friends. I lost them anyway because they wanted more than I was willing to give.
I've been on the other side of that. There seems to be a fine line between the kind of affection that sustains a friendship and the kind that needs more. Once that line is crossed - possibly between affection/friendship and love - it's very difficult to cross back. I've come to an accommodation with some women friends who I'd fallen in love with but it's never really the same after that.
Being in love with someone who likes you (often quite a lot) but won't go out with you can be very painful indeed.
Yeah, I learned that hurt the hard way. It was never my intent, and at the time I didn't understand I was hurting them, but I sure felt the hurt when I lost their friendship. Even so, you can't make yourself feel a physical attraction that isn't there. I never have figured out how to be friends with someone who wants more. They were great guys who became great husbands and fathers and I still miss their friendship more than 25 years later. One recently died and I felt the horrible loss of knowing I will never be able to talk to him again, as an adult now, with maybe a little more clarity. One of life's lessons for me I suppose.
v v said: Even so, you can't make yourself feel a physical attraction that isn't there.
Most definitely - and you can't make someone love you no matter how hard you try.... and I've tried very hard indeed more than once.
v v said: I never have figured out how to be friends with someone who wants more.
I don't think that you can be to be honest. Unless the person wanting more basically gives up on the idea before the relationship sours it's game over I'm afraid.
v v said: One recently died and I felt the horrible loss of knowing I will never be able to talk to him again, as an adult now, with maybe a little more clarity. One of life's lessons for me I suppose.
I think that's a valuable lesson for everyone - including me (big time).
7 comments:
Awww, they just covered this topic on the show "Saving Hope" tonight. I think "friend" is better than nothing, but that's not what all the guys said that I just wanted to be friends with, so what do I know?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGH
sorry.
flashback moment.
v v said: I think "friend" is better than nothing, but that's not what all the guys said that I just wanted to be friends with, so what do I know?
When a girl says "Can we just be friends?" it's really not what the guy hears. If it's at an early stage in any relationship it often leaves the guy in a limbo of hope and frustrated anticipation - often without the girl having any idea of the level of angst she's causing. If it's after the relationship has gone sexual it's basically saying "you're dumped mate and don't let the door hit you on the way out".
TF said: sorry. flashback moment.
Been there... done that... feel your pain.
Mine were long-term friendships that I think the guys just kept hoping they'd wear me down, but I really wanted to keep them in my life as friends, because the boyfriends tended to come and go too quickly. These particular guys were quality people that I admired, wanted to learn from, and whose company I enjoyed. I really believed sex would ruin it and then I'd lose my best friends. I lost them anyway because they wanted more than I was willing to give.
I've been on the other side of that. There seems to be a fine line between the kind of affection that sustains a friendship and the kind that needs more. Once that line is crossed - possibly between affection/friendship and love - it's very difficult to cross back. I've come to an accommodation with some women friends who I'd fallen in love with but it's never really the same after that.
Being in love with someone who likes you (often quite a lot) but won't go out with you can be very painful indeed.
Yeah, I learned that hurt the hard way. It was never my intent, and at the time I didn't understand I was hurting them, but I sure felt the hurt when I lost their friendship. Even so, you can't make yourself feel a physical attraction that isn't there. I never have figured out how to be friends with someone who wants more. They were great guys who became great husbands and fathers and I still miss their friendship more than 25 years later. One recently died and I felt the horrible loss of knowing I will never be able to talk to him again, as an adult now, with maybe a little more clarity. One of life's lessons for me I suppose.
v v said: Even so, you can't make yourself feel a physical attraction that isn't there.
Most definitely - and you can't make someone love you no matter how hard you try.... and I've tried very hard indeed more than once.
v v said: I never have figured out how to be friends with someone who wants more.
I don't think that you can be to be honest. Unless the person wanting more basically gives up on the idea before the relationship sours it's game over I'm afraid.
v v said: One recently died and I felt the horrible loss of knowing I will never be able to talk to him again, as an adult now, with maybe a little more clarity. One of life's lessons for me I suppose.
I think that's a valuable lesson for everyone - including me (big time).
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