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Monday, March 08, 2010

Thinking About: Regrets

It is difficult to live any kind of life without accumulating regrets along the way – for things you have done or not done, said or not said. Regret is part of the human condition and I am not alone in having my fair share. I have done and said stupid things, thoughtless things and questionable things but I do my very best not to dwell on them. I know what I have done, or not, or said, or not but the past is unchangeable and, to be honest, there are few things I would change – even my mistakes. This is because my past has made me what I am and I like that person – warts and all. Mistakes are something to be learnt from not something to torture yourself with. Such torture, as in general, serves little purpose and only keeps old wounds fresh enough to become dangerously infected. I am not proposing, however, that we simply toss-off our mistakes as beneath contemplation for without giving them appropriate (and I emphasise this word) thought. We should endeavour to understand what we have done, or not, and honestly draw conclusions from such analysis. At the very least we can decide not to do something we regret ever again. If we have ever struck out at a loved one in a moment of anger we can resolve never to do so again – no matter what. In such a way we mould our character into something better because of actions we have regretted. We do not dwell on things past but use that experience to shape a future with fewer regrets. In that way, despite the fact that actions or words can never be taken back once done or said, we can become better people rather than creatures labouring under a self-imposed burden we can never be rid of which does no one a favour least of all ourselves.

We are all fallible beings. In moments of weakness or passion we sleep with friend’s girlfriends or take money that does not belong to us. Normally, when the weakness passes or the passion is spent we regret our actions. Often nothing can be done to rectify things and we must face the consequences of our humanity. When no amends can be made or no amends is enough we can still learn from the fall-out and resolve to be better people in the future. We need to learn that although much about the world is beyond our control or even beyond our influence there is something that we do have a great deal of control over – ourselves and the actions or words that make up our daily behaviour. We must recognise that we have a great gift that, at least apparently, no other creature on this planet has – we can choose how we live our lives. We have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and from the mistakes of others. We can resolve to be better people in a malleable future without being slaves to or being burdened by an unchangeable past. What’s done is done and what is said is said. There is no amount of regret in the universe that can change a single thing in the past. Regrets when we have them should be fleeting and not a crushing lifelong millstone that destroys any chance of resolution or happiness. A lifetime on the rack achieves precious little except the production of a painfully distorted human. This is, I believe, completely unnecessary. Many unforgivable acts are anything but. Often the people who we have transgressed against forgive us long before we forgive ourselves. We all need to be more forgiving of our humanity and of our mistakes and we should all recognise that many things that impact on our lives are simply not within our power to control or even effect. What is in our control is our reaction to circumstance and our behaviour accordingly. As we become more aware of why we do what we do, we gain more control over our actions and our words. As this understanding increases so the reason for regret diminishes and we become better people.

8 comments:

craziequeen said...

Very thought-provoking - but, with the best will in the world, sometimes regret can obliterate all logic.....and some of us are total girlies :-)

It's learning to live with the memory that is the hardest thing..

cq

CyberKitten said...

CQ said: It's learning to live with the memory that is the hardest thing..

Oh... No one said it would be easy..... [grin]

VV said...

This reminds me of an interview with Alec Baldwin that I just read. One of his biggest regrets went public when his diatribe voice mail to his daughter hit the Internet. As much as I hate what he did, I know I've said things to my children while in a fit of anger at them, that I regret and I would be mortified if someone had recorded me and aired it for all the world to hear. So in that sense, I also feel compassion toward the guy. I have many more regrets that I carry around with me, none of which I can change, only learn from and not repeat. But still, they hurt, remembering how horrible a person I can be, continually striving to do better.

CyberKitten said...

V V said: But still, they hurt, remembering how horrible a person I can be, continually striving to do better.

You're a human being..... such is the way of all flesh. Striving is *good*.....

dbackdad said...

Good post. I can't really add anything that wouldn't be repeating something you have said.

It took me until my late 20's before I really started to live the way you describe. I was a chronic worrier and would give myself stomach aches obsessing about something that had already happened or that was about to happen.


Part of it was just natural maturity. Some of it was having my own business that I needed to manage. Some of it was having a child. In all cases, it becomes obvious that you cannot change the past and that it is pointless to obsess about things that you have entirely no control over. Life is too short and ultimately you are tainting that short time you have if you are constantly worrying.

Laura said...

Very well said. I feel the same way. We can choose to dwell on things that have already happened and we cannot change or we can choose to move on, learn from them, and be better for it. The past year and a half has had me thinking an awful lot about things like this. In the end, I am who I am because of the experiences I've had (good and bad) and I wouldn't be who I am without those.

We can, however, choose to make amends for those things in the past that warrant such action. But regret results in nothing but bad feelings and wasted time. I'd much rather spend the time I have left on this rock being who I want to be than worrying about what could have been.

CyberKitten said...

dbackdad said: Part of it was just natural maturity.

Does that mean we've reached a 'certain age' or a level of wisdom...? [grin]

dbackdad said: Life is too short and ultimately you are tainting that short time you have if you are constantly worrying.

Most definitely!

Laura said: Very well said.

Thanks, and right back at you.

Laura said: In the end, I am who I am because of the experiences I've had (good and bad) and I wouldn't be who I am without those.

Totally agree. We are an amalgamation of everything that has gone before - our present form is the tip of a lifelong spear.

Laura said: I'd much rather spend the time I have left on this rock being who I want to be than worrying about what could have been.

I see that as a *very* healthy attitude.

Mike aka MonolithTMA said...

I always like to think of No Day But Today aka Finale B from Rent.

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today