Thinking About: The Social Whirl

I will be the first to admit that I am not exactly the most social of people. That’s not to say that, most of the time, I’m not sociable. I am, actually, surprisingly so (or maybe it’s only me that it surprises). You see I’m one of those seemingly rare people that don’t need to be surrounded by others 24/7. Indeed that’s pretty much my definition of Hell – not being allowed to be on my own for any length of time. It’s not just that I like being on my own (generally I do) or that I feel the need to be on my own (ditto) but that, at least periodically, I have to be on my own for my own sanity. Of course I’m in a chicken and egg situation really (not much of a paradox when you think about it properly) in that I can’t figure out if I’m like this because of my life experience – mostly being on my own – or if I’ve mostly been on my own because I don’t feel any particular need to be around people. Maybe it’s more than a dash of both mixed in together. Thinking about it, if I did feel a strong need to be around people more often I’d have made much more effort to have people around me. I’ve known people like this in the past. They seem to either dislike their own company or need others to distract and entertain them constantly. Maybe they don’t like living in their own heads so much? Maybe they have nothing in their own heads to keep them occupied? I’ve known people who have woken up in the early hours of the morning and have left the house to find someone to talk to – anyone. Sometimes that person was me who would’ve liked to be in my own bed on my own far more than staying up until the early morning listening to someone complain about being alone.

Inevitably sometimes I’ve thought that there was something wrong with me, something missing. I know that people sometimes think I’m strange for simple things like going to the cinema on my own or when I turn down invitations to parties or other events (often with no more excuse than I don’t want to go). No doubt some see these invitations as a form of help, to get me ‘out of the house’ to ‘meet new people’ as if I don’t leave the house 300+ days of the year or meet new people on a regular basis – indeed meeting new people and forming relationships with them has been an important part of my job for the last 5-6 years and I’m rather good at it even if I say so myself. It’s not that I can’t do these things – I can – it’s that I don’t see them as vital to my well-being. That’s not to say that I don’t get lonely, I do. I like people (individually anyway) and enjoy being with them. Humans are socially creatures and I’m definitely human so can’t discard that part of my nature. So it’s inevitable that I miss certain individuals who are no longer in my life or can’t be part of my life for other reasons and, from time to time, I do miss the intimacy of generic human contact. Rather perversely I don’t like being touched especially by those I perceive as strangers or at least as less than friends. Even more perversely I’m envious of those who touch and are touched easily. No doubt I give out ‘don’t touch me’ signals that most people can pick up on but it can still hurt when they by-pass me with just a nod of recognition and a smile.

Mostly I like being around people. I’m certainly not one of those individuals who no one else sees or talks to. When I’m on form and in the right mood I could talk for England. Sometimes, however, I’m in a less chatty zone and just get on with things. I’m not exactly unapproachable or anything it’s just that I don’t feel as if I have the energy for sustained conversation. Very occasionally I need to be on my own – very much. If I’m lucky this happens at a weekend or when I’m off work on holiday or ill. A few times I’ve felt like this when I needed to be at work. Spending 8 hours in the company of others when I felt like hiding in a room with the door locked was pretty tough I can tell you. So far I haven’t ended up running for the exit and hopefully these feelings are rare enough that it will never happen. In the mean time I’ll be as social as I need to be and alone when I want to be (largely). I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Any future partner (if I have one) will need to deal with that aspect of my personality – but I guess I’ll cross that bridge if or when it happens.