Too smart for a relationship?
In a recent BBC News Web Magazine article, Suruchi Sharma wrote about the pressure on women in India to marry by their mid-20s. Her story provoked numerous responses from around the globe from both men and women about the social stigma they face for remaining unmarried.
This one in particular spoke volumes to me:
Kadie Yale, Jersey City, US: I was caught off guard by this article because it's not an issue only in India. As a 28-year-old woman in America, I get insensitive and horrific comments constantly. Many times, people assume it's just from older family members who are "old-fashioned," but that can't be further from the truth. From jokes of when I'm going to "become a lesbian" to friends insisting on setting me up on blind dates and comments such as "If you start wearing more make-up and sexier clothes, someone will like you". It's hard not to blame the media. Shows like The Bachelor praise the ring rather than the relationship. The paragraph where she wrote that people tell her parents that if she weren't as educated, she'd be married happens here, too. I have a Master's degree from a prestigious school, yet people here advise that I shouldn't tell guys in case I "intimidate" them. In general, I feel incredibly invalidated by my career and educational ambitions because this is still a society where a woman's worth are more based on whose elbow she clings to. I've had a friend tell me that she doesn't get it: I'm pretty, smart and funny... have I tried just acting dumber? Maybe I would find someone if I just didn't act like me. Like I've said before: It's all about chasing the ring for some, instead of a healthy relationship.
[It’s not just women who get this kind of crap. I’ve lost count of the number of people who either assumed I was gay – despite the fact that they’ve never seen me on the arm of another man – or that I was a closet gay who was obviously too afraid to come out or even that I should ‘widen my options’ by cruising gay bars. I’ve also stopped listening to those – including so-called well-meaning friends – that have basically advised me to stop being ‘me’ or at least stop being so obviously individualistic as it’s clearly putting people off. If only I could at least pretend to be normal I might just attract someone long enough for them to fall in love with me… and if I pretended to be someone else my entire life maybe I’d keep them! Of course they have no idea why I find this idea to be deeply offensive – that I should stop appearing to be who I am in order to deceive someone and fool them into having a relationship with a person who doesn’t actually exist! But I guess that level of hypocrisy is considered ‘normal’ these days. If that’s the case then I’d rather live my life as a single and die alone. I think I have just enough self-respect not to live a lie for what remains of my life. If people around me can’t handle it, well, they’re going to just have to. End of.]
1 comment:
Hi,
Not entirely sure if it's appropriate for me to comment on this, but maybe it is. Who knows. I'm not up on internet etiquette.
After an unfortunate event involving trying to get a job after graduate school and finding out that the drunken photos of me in Vegas from 6 years ago were still on the internet, I google myself every once in awhile to make sure what pops up isn't something that'll keep me from getting a job. That's how I found this post.
I'm so relieved that other people understand how I feel about this whole situation. It seems so taboo to talk about being single when you don't want to be and the frustrations surrounding it. Maybe it's because people in relationships want to give you advice, and other single people don't want to think that they're single. Maybe we don't like vulnerability.
[You have to excuse me. I'm pretty much just spouting off things off the top of my head.]
You know what? It's probably 100% the vulnerability. That's why magazines can sell things to us. They tap into our insecurities. They know "101 things to do to get your crush" will sell, even if it's some bullshit some intern who has eaten one too many ramen packers thought about on the subway in a drunken stupor the night before. We can't talk about our own vulnerabilities to be able to discuss with each other how to get out, how to get better, how to soothe our frustrations, but the magazine industry can, and they know that being alone is one of our biggest fears.
I'm trying to figure out how to word the fact that I'm glad you understand, however I'm sad that you do. Being alone and being told that you need to change is the worst.
I think everyone is trying to be something they're not. So it's difficult when people see someone struggling (us) and think why we aren't trying that same strategy. But it won't bring happiness to be someone else. I tried for a long time to not be me and to be "normal." I'm beyond fine with not being "normal" now. I just wish it weren't so hard.
Thanks for letting me rant.
I enjoyed reading your follow up.
-Kadie
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