Thinking About: Affairs of the Heart
Technically I suppose that I’ve had two affairs – strangely both with the same woman. The first was shortly after I met her. She was separated from her husband and was in the process of going through a divorce. I understand that he was divorcing her for adultery – which is hardly surprising really. I wasn’t the co-respondent in this case but I guess I could have been. It was a weird feeling being involved with someone else’s (still technical) wife. It did add a strange frisson to the relationship – at least to begin with and I guess I was enjoying all of the advantages without any (or many) of the pitfalls. This was to come later.
About 6 months in she decided that she was going back to her previous lover who she was having an affair with before she met me. At this point you would think that large noisy alarm bells would be going off in my head. Oh, no. I’m the idiot who thought I could change her wandering ways. Laughable though it seems now I honestly thought that she could settle down for me. Anyway, I was dumped. Much anguish ensued at least on my part. She managed, at least in my company, to hold it together unlike me who walked around like the recently deceased complete with hang-dog look and metaphorical black armband. I was honestly devastated.
Knowing her fairly well by now I managed to do something that still surprises me to this day. Not only did I work myself back into her affections – and her bed – but I eventually stole her back. But for 12 long weeks I was seeing her ‘on the side’. This time I was indeed the ‘other man’ complete with stolen moments, ignored phone calls and frightening knocks on the door. Apparently he had quite a temper and was not averse to actually hitting her. I singularly failed to understand why she wanted him over me but I had given up even trying to understand all women years before I met this one. In some ways it was great to have her back. At least kind of back. I saw her once or twice a week and the sex was frantic and rather fantastic. The payment was, of course, when she got out of my bed to drive to his. I have never been so lost or so angry in my life since those days. I understood then with amazing clarity the idea of a crime of passion. Been there – thought about that. If I wasn’t such a sensible person… who knows what might have happened?
Against all expectations though it worked. Finally she realised that I was better for her than him and she left him to be exclusively with me. But, understandably, it was never the same. At first there was the worry that she’d just leave me again. Afterwards I simply didn’t trust her anymore. I’d lost my naiveté about our relationship. Of course the rot set in and within a year she had left me again for someone else. I wasn’t surprised but it still hit me very hard indeed.
Needless to say I promised myself that I would never have another affair. The pain of the experience was just too much to repeat. Anyone who has been the other man or other woman will know exactly what I mean. I must admit though that some women I know have given me pause. If the opportunity presented itself could I have an affair with one of them? I hope that I would be strong enough to be flattered and say thanks – but no thanks. At least I hope I would say that. I’m not as much of a sucker for a pretty face as I once was and I can turn down sex (at least temporarily) but I do wonder sometimes. The ‘problem’ I have is that I can’t do meaningless sex. To me sex is never meaningless. Maybe I’m too in touch with my feminine side here but to me sex isn’t just an activity, its part of the process, part of the relationship. Without the context of a relationship what is sex – but mutual masturbation?
So another affair in my future – probably not. Probably.
About Me
- CyberKitten
- I have a burning need to know stuff and I love asking awkward questions.
10 comments:
You know CK... despite our seperate views on religion I'd say we're two sides of the same coin, or at least minted in the same factory.
I 'caught' a girl off the 'rebound' more-or-less in college, though at the time I didn't know this, and she left me shortly thereafter for the 'old' flame.
While it wasn't the same issue of 'affairs' and was decidedly 'younger' and well... I suppose one would say "That sort of thing is just supposed to happen when you're in college", but I took it hard. She managed to drag out a relationship with me as a ‘friend’ for quite some time which provided her a nice sanctuary in me (I wasn't a member of her typical 'social circle' and had my own apartment) but it was very antagonizing.
Regardless your comment about sex without relationship being ‘mutual masturbation’ is really ‘on-mark’ as far as I’m concerned. I see my nieces and nephews and younger siblings going into the late highschool/early college phases with patterns that are quickly going to bring habits like you described. Bouncing from one relationship to another, an attraction to abusive/cheating lovers, etc.
Some folks would have you believe (“The Naked Ape” springs to mind) that as an evolved animal we added to much ritual to sex as a species. Males are predisposed to go after as many ‘potential’ mates as possible in an effort to further our genome, while the female of the species is drawn to a single mate for protection and support.
My experience is that there are men and women who don’t put much stock in sex. Instead it is a ‘means to an end’. I’ve found that females can play the role of ‘predator’ just as keenly as men do. I would hazard that no one escapes any sexual foray ‘unscathed’ emotionally, but there are some who can strip the emotional attachments as easily as they did their garments.
I won’t pretend to give your advice CK although my heart goes out to you. I too was always drawn to ‘problem’ girls. My only grace was that my wife pursued me as I doubt I’d have ever chased a ‘nice’ girl. I will only say that finding someone whom you both trust and love to spend forever with is very liberating in that you are freed from the ‘long’ and often painful ‘pursuit’.
Moreover, not playing the affair game ‘if you can help it’ (I understand this as well) would probably be a wise choice. I think finding a strong single woman who is an intellectual equal and likewise interested in an honest relationship would be your greatest boon.
Interesting. I'm reminded that the sexual part, and the urges for it, are simple and deeply ingrained and serve an obvious biological function--the most vital one after sustenance.
But all the rest of it--the courting and social morés and our sense of personal style and on and on--is all pretty arbitrary clothing we put on this skeleton which is presented to us.
I had an affair some years ago (though I ended my marriage first), but it was more in the yearning than in the doing. But she was involved at the time and the whole thing just took on a lot of weight and moment that I later regretted.
Sex is almost always the motivator, and even becomes its own category, but it's only one ingredient for the mix in the long term.
I'm lucky in that I'm rather a simpleton in these matters, and life has worked out such as to enable me to live a happy life in spite of this.
KittyCat: I think the frisson of illicit sex (I sought a partner when my marriage was dying, and I actually believed that if I could just fix that part of my life with someone else -- since my then-husband had absolutely no interest -- my marriage might survive. Okay, yah, I was stupid and immoral and slutty. Sue me.) is a pretty thrilling experience. It just doesn't last. Once you figure that out, well, that cake's baked and done.
I was lucky. My then-Handyman (the guy on the side) and I ended very amicably: Insane Ex had gone truly insane, and Handyman's wife got sick (ovarian cancer, not good) and we looked at one another and said: "you know, we really shouldn't be doing this." I needed to protect myself and my kids, he needed to care for his wife, and it was incredibly civilized. But it reassured me, that even in adultery, after a decade and a half with the Insane Ex I was still able to recognize a fundamentally decent man. So something good came of it.
Now, when married guys hit on me and tell me how great it would be, I say: "Maybe for you." And walk away. I was lucky.
SK said: I'd say we're two sides of the same coin, or at least minted in the same factory.
Oh, I think that we're *all* minted in the same factory [grin].
SK said: She managed to drag out a relationship with me as a ‘friend’ for quite some time which provided her a nice sanctuary in me but it was very antagonizing.
I hate it when that happens.
Some folks would have you believe (“The Naked Ape” springs to mind) that as an evolved animal we added to much ritual to sex as a species.
That's probably true actually. There are far too many 'rules of the game' where courtship is concerned - most of which seem to be designed to stop people having sex. As I said I don't 'do' meaningless sex - but I've seen other people do so (metaphorically anyway!) without *too* much damage. As long as people can agree that a 'fling' is just that its entirely possible for sex to be purely for recreation. BUT - we are 'designed' to care about people we have regular sex with (which makes perfect evolutionary sense) so casual sex only 'works' if you have many short-term partners.
SK said: I’ve found that females can play the role of ‘predator’ just as keenly as men do.
Its certainly more acceptable these days... especially now that pregnancy isn't really an issue - though STDs are still a major problem.
SK said: I too was always drawn to ‘problem’ girls.
I'm just drawn to girls in general. She only became a 'problem' fairly late in our relationship probably because I was ignoring all the signals I should've been listening to because she was so much fun to be with. I certainly don't regret the experience - both the good and the bad parts. I learnt *so* much in those two years - both about women and about myself. It was very painful in places but I'm most certainly a better person because of it/her.
SK said: I think finding a strong single woman who is an intellectual equal and likewise interested in an honest relationship would be your greatest boon.
If *only* I could find a single woman! [laughs]
wunelle said: I'm reminded that the sexual part, and the urges for it, are simple and deeply ingrained.
Most definitely. The sex drive is *very* strong.
wunelle said: But all the rest of it--the courting and social morés and our sense of personal style and on and on--is all pretty arbitrary clothing we put on this skeleton which is presented to us.
Very much so. Just look at the historical & cultural differences around the world.
wunelle said: Sex is almost always the motivator, and even becomes its own category, but it's only one ingredient for the mix in the long term.
...and not even the most important ingredient either.
FW said: I think the frisson of illicit sex is a pretty thrilling experience. It just doesn't last. Once you figure that out, well, that cake's baked and done.
I think initially it was pretty much all in my imagination. There was little real 'danger' in our early relationship. The 2nd time around the illicit nature of the relationship wasn't anywhere near the main driver. I just wanted/needed her so damned much that nothing else really mattered. That was an important side of me to discover.
FW said: Now, when married guys hit on me and tell me how great it would be, I say: "Maybe for you." And walk away. I was lucky.
That's a good attitude to have. Being the 'other woman/man' really sucks - big time. Life is too short for that kind of shit and there are *so* many more fish in the sea than the ones who have already been caught & tagged.
KittyCat: My view, as a single woman (well, I have a partner, but we're still in the dating phase and I am legally single) is that catch-and-release works best until you find someone who really works -- never destroy the resource. If someone is someone you'd just play with like a cat plays with a mouse (I can't imagine you in that role somehow) -- now official mixing and screwing up metaphor alert -- throw the fish back in the water. Someone else will want him or her and there's one out there that will better suit you. One's that already have someone's hook? No good, if only for one's own emotional health.
This is easier for people like me (fairly outgoing, not too afraid of rejection) than for shyer, more reserved people. Anyway, let's get that Spring/Love is in the air vibe working for you, Mr. Cat.
FW said: One's that already have someone's hook? No good, if only for one's own emotional health.
Very true.
FW said: Anyway, let's get that Spring/Love is in the air vibe working for you, Mr. Cat.
Well... I do tend to meet a lot of people in my job - and I do have that whole Celtic charm working for me... so you never can tell.
Wow! Interesting post and nice comments. I almost thought I was reading my life story when reading Sirkolgate's comment. It's both funny and sad when I look back on my old romances, flames, unrequited love, etc. How differently I behaved and viewed relationships prior to my first marriage, and subsequent divorce, to the relationships I have had since then.
I believe that the sum of our experiences has a huge impact on our future behavior and attitudes and I honestly believe that my past relationships and failed first marriage made me a better person and a better husband.
The forbidden always adds frisson. The closest I got to this situation was when my long-term boyfriend (5 yrs.) who swore he wasn't a Muslim, wound up in an arranged marriage. He left his new bride with her sister in another country and came back and took up with me. I knew he'd gotten married, but for the life of me, I couldn't feel like the other woman. I'd been with him for 5 yrs, she'd just married him and they weren't even living together. Of course, things ended horribly, I was scarred for many, many, many years over the situation and today he's still in his arranged marriage. He was a ghost in my bed for the next 3 or 4 relationships because I just couldn't let go of "the one" that I always thought would be forever. I know it wasn't fair to the following relationships to still be carrying a flame for him, so by the time I married, I told my would-be husband about him. I said I still loved him, but I would never go back to him. He just needed to understand, it was going to take me years to get him out of my system. My husband to be, accepted that and married me. I didn't know then he had other motivations. I know I wouldn't marry someone if they told me they still loved someone else. Well, I'm a different person now, but, I still remember my past with a married man.
This is one of those threads that taps into a momentous and dramatic segment of most people's lives. We may not many of us do extraordinary things--or at least not things that many others can relate to as we do--but sex and relationships are things of inherent interest and drama.
What a fun group of comments.
Mark said: I believe that the sum of our experiences has a huge impact on our future behavior and attitudes and I honestly believe that my past relationships and failed first marriage made me a better person and a better husband.
We are to a great degree the sum total of our experiences. Certain experiences cannot be avoided - but the thing is to learn from them in a constructive way to become better people (however you wish to define this). Life experience can be very useful indeed.
V V said: Well, I'm a different person now, but, I still remember my past with a married man.
We certainly live interesting lives don't we? Its amazing when you think of it just what exactly motivates us to do the things we do. I do think that we more we understand ourselves the less harm we do to ourselves and others. Valuable learning experiences all!
wunelle said: sex and relationships are things of inherent interest and drama.
Aren't they just!
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this.
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