Thinking About: Being Gay
Some time ago I was attempting to get a friend into bed when she stopped me and said “But, I thought you were gay?” Confused for a moment I looked at her and said: “Erm, no… I’m not” - a response which came as rather a surprise to her. It was an even bigger surprise to me that she thought that I was.
Over the next few days I asked some of my female work colleagues if they have ever thought that I was gay. Most of them said that it had never crossed their minds though a few said that I had made them wonder – at least for a while. It got me thinking about a comment I had some years ago during a training course in London. I was chatting away with 4-5 women when one of them reaching over and said that she was very impressed that I was so at ease with my sexuality. At the time I took it for the compliment it seemed to be. I had assumed that she meant that I was happy in the company of women without the need to be all macho or something. With the benefit of hindsight I’m now thinking she assumed that I was gay.
Of course this perception of me being gay might explain why I have spent most of my adult life as a single male. Women (and maybe some men too) think I’m gay and gay men think I’m straight. OK, it might have something to do with me being plug ugly, boring and weird – but I’m putting all that to one side for now [laughs]. I do wonder though if I have a ‘quality’ like Chandler Bing in Friends. Maybe I give off a ‘gay vibe’? I honestly have no idea. I wonder if it’s because I normally treat women as people rather than as potential future sex partners that has something to do with it – I mean when I talk to women I look them in the eye rather than in the breast. How gay is that! [grin]. Maybe it’s that I’m just too polite to be straight?
It is kind of funny though. All through my life – pretty much anyway – I’ve had more female friends than male friends. I actually enjoy the company of women more than men. I don’t enjoy sports (of any type), or bars or drinking. My god…. Maybe I am gay…. [rotflmao] Or not, actually. I like women far too much for that. I like the way they look, how they smell, how they laugh, how they think, how they taste…. Maybe it’s a curse? I love women but they don’t love me back – but that can’t be right. Women like me. Some women like me a lot. Others love me and have told me so. Some even sleep with me – so they can’t all think I’m gay. I’ll just have to think about this a bit more….. [muses]
About Me
- CyberKitten
- I have a burning need to know stuff and I love asking awkward questions.
13 comments:
TBH theonly time it crossed my mind was when I first saw you, but before I spoke to you. As soon as we spoke I knew you were straight. it's just one of those things you recognise:-)
But from very superficial "first glance" you are a)not in a relationship b)not shagging everything in a skirt - or at least obviously trying to! and c)clean and tidy and obviously look after yourself.
Only the terminally bigoted or the socially inept would think you are gay after any period of time talking to you IMHO, which is probably why you still get women coming on to you, and as far as I know, you don't get men doing so:-)
I once made the humongous error of logging on a chatroom. I was just being myself, trying to be funny and stuff, and people thought I was gay.
This is how the conversation went (sort of):
person a) hey
personb) hey
person a) ur hot
person b) lol yah I knw
person a) lol
person b) got a grlfrnd?
person a) no lol
person b) ur hot too
person a) thanx lol
me: hello everyone
person a) hi
person b) hi
me: I tried to make my avatar look more like me, but he just looks like a weird clone of Harry potter.
person a) lol
person b) ur funny
me: really? you're not on pot are you? cos the last person who said I was funny said it whilst being high...
person a) u gay?
or something like that.
this gives me the impression that if you speak using 'big words' and generally approach women without saying that they're hot after just five seconds, people think you're gay.
At least, in chatrooms.
but let's face it, chatrooms suck.
I'm not sure if this is constructive in anyway, but still.
[rotflmao] sorry, had to laugh at Dr Smoke's comment...a sad indictment of internet speak, I'm sorry to say.
Like JM, my first thought was you were gay, but that was quickly dispelled!
I wonder what that says about modern social interaction?
100yrs ago being gay meant you were a leper and to be avoided and shunned, forced into a pretend 'real' life.
Now it's not unknown to think 'he's gay', as naturally as you would think 'he's English' or 'he's cute'.
I'm afraid I think you will always be 'your homosexual friend *CK*' to my mother.....
ooh - I managed the whole comment without mentioning the 'Good God No!' story.....maybe another time, honey :-)
cq
I have a friend & former coworker who I thought was gay when I first met him. He dressed well, spoke with more intonation (men typically are a bit monotone I've noticed), and had longish hair. That was after knowing him for only about 3 weeks. Another friend of mine, upon first meeting him, made the same assumption. Then after finding out he was straight, wanted to have his love child (jokingly).
I'm not sure exactly why we make those assumptions, but even those who feel themselves enlightened (me) make the mistake every now and again. There are a lot of linguistic and non-verbal cues that we use to categorize people, and anyone who does not fall well to one side of the sexuality spectrum is often put in the questionable category.
I would think though, that after repeated contact and extended conversation that people would eventually figure it out. But who knows??
BTW, John said he'd totally fuck you just for your mind alone. ;)
CK very funny post and comments. Interestingly there was just a recent article I saw which described how men couldn't distinguish a womans behavior as being just friendly or as a sexual advance. Seems there is a lot of miscommunication between the sexes.
I get the feeling I may give off a gay vibe as well, though no one has ever said so.
Why is it that people are always better at spotting gay men than gay women? I know a woman who may be gay - well, I think she is, but I'm no expert. I'm not sure if anyone really can be an expert, without very clear indicators to go on.
Clearly there is room for confusion, but the assumption that someone is gay based on their idiosyncracies is something that seems to happen a lot more frequently these days. Even I'm doing it!
JM said: TBH the only time it crossed my mind was when I first saw you, but before I spoke to you. As soon as we spoke I knew you were straight.
and CQ said: Like JM, my first thought was you were gay, but that was quickly dispelled!
So... What was it about my first impression that said 'Gay'? Was it that I could dress myself? Or that I was shy... Or what...? I *need* to know. It's hard enough making a good first impression at my age! [laughs]
Dr S said: I'm not sure if this is constructive in anyway, but still.
Erm... No it wasn't but thanks for the contribution [grin]. Getting across any kind of nuance on-line is difficult at the best of times... the number of times I've gotten into trouble by e-mail... well, I *so* know what you mean...
laura said: He dressed well, spoke with more intonation (men typically are a bit monotone I've noticed), and had longish hair.
That's it... That's got to be it! It's my intonation.... I must have picked up the ability to speak well from somewhere.... DAMN!
Funny though... I've said the most inocuous things & have been accused of flirting with people..... OK.. I *was* flirting with her... but the argument stands! I have a weakness for waitresses. What can I say?
laura said: There are a lot of linguistic and non-verbal cues that we use to categorize people, and anyone who does not fall well to one side of the sexuality spectrum is often put in the questionable category.
I actually think that's a good part of it. I'm difficult to categorise.
laura said: BTW, John said he'd totally fuck you just for your mind alone. ;)
[blush] Well, I guess that it *is* probably my best feature. I've spent a lot of time, effort and money making it fuckable [laughs]. But I'm afraid you're going to have to let him down easy. I've had experience of long distance relationships. They just don't work. Sorry.
Mark said: Interestingly there was just a recent article I saw which described how men couldn't distinguish a womans behavior as being just friendly or as a sexual advance.
Oh, I have that problem. I blame my Mother...
AM said: I'm not sure if anyone really can be an expert, without very clear indicators to go on.
I think people should wear armbands or something. It'd cut down on a lot of the confusion.
I wonder if its my jumpers....? Not a pastel shade to be seen though.... I'm confused..... (obviously)
antimatter said: "Why is it that people are always better at spotting gay men than gay women?"
Honestly, from a gender theory perspective, I think it's because there are a LOT more restrictions on what is acceptable "masculine" behavior. Women have much more leway, even from a young age. Girls are allowed to play with trucks and play baseball, but boys are still shunned for wanting dolls or the play kitchen set. So there are far stricter "rules" on boys/men's sexuality and gendered behavior, making "deviance" easier to spot, and the social punishments for deviance are much more severe. This is said to be because masculinity is "worth" more in our culture and therefore, must be policed much more strictly.
It only seems a judgment of which we should be ashamed if there is a value attached to it, right? I may assume a guy I meet is gay, but I could care less what he does in the dark (as I imagine is true for you as well). So it's certainly no condemnation from my end.
I have shaved my head for 25 years, which, when I was in my 20s, caused people to also think I was gay (why I'm not sure). I'd occasionally get offhand comments from (presumably) gay men, which is a bit flattering, I suppose. I've never been much to look at, so any solicitation is welcome! [grin]
(Funny... you don't write gay... ;-)
I know a number of straight men that I still swear are gay. When I think of male characteristics, I think of a certain type of walk with the legs further apart than the way a woman would walk. It's like they've got a package down there and don't want to crush it. They also speak in short concise language to get the point across quickly so that they don't end up rattling on or sounding like a woman. They give a quick, cursory glance to the person they're speaking to, then never look them in the eye or even at them for the rest of the brief conversation. Their eyes are always roving checking out any potentially available women.
The guys who I think are gay, look me in the eye throughout the conversation. They engage fully in the dialogue, actually listen and offer insight and participate in the conversation. They don't swagger when they walk like some guys, they walk forward with a purpose. They dress well, and care about the image they're projecting to the world. All of this is, of course, probably a totally warped way of looking at the world, but this is how I've come to categorize "guys" and "men." I've decided men are much more worth having in my life, whether they're gay or not. They just seem to be more human and interactive in their lives with others.
What is it about you that at first glance makes people think you're gay? Are you slight of build? You say you dress well. Are you maybe too coordinated in your outfits? As for being butt ugly, I don't think that should make people think you're gay. I've dated a few butt ugly men who were just really terrific people, just not right for me in the end. So hang in there. Somewhere out there is a gorgeous, intellectual Yin for your Yang.
wunelle said: Funny... you don't write gay... ;-)
For a while there during my blogging career - especially when I posted a bit on gay marriage a fair number of my readership (maybe 2 or 3 people) thought I was gay... and a woman. That always amused and surprised me. Maybe I'm not gender specific enough - either on-line or off?
V V said: The guys who I think are gay, look me in the eye throughout the conversation. They engage fully in the dialogue, actually listen and offer insight and participate in the conversation. They don't swagger when they walk like some guys, they walk forward with a purpose. They dress well, and care about the image they're projecting to the world.
...and there is *exactly* why some women think I'm gay. Thanks V V!
CK... you're intellectual and you like Sci-Fi... a friend of mine and I were 'perceived' as gay in High School cause we didn't date, we played D&D and we were 'weird' (usually our conversation went a little 'above' the folks around us)
Whatever... now I’m married to a cute blonde and have loads of non homoerotic sex.
One thing though… if people are ‘on the fence’ about you don’t tell them that your call-sign on the internetz is “Cyber Kitten”. Personally I though you were female off the bat, and even now it still sounds like an internet porn moniker.
However, I’d remind you my avatar is named after toothpaste so don’t worry. What’s in a name?
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